Relationships are like glass castles, building takes time and the final product looks magnificent, but the smallest rock thrown at it can cause the whole thing to shatter.
I have been contemplating about how to word everything that happened to me. There are so many things to say, so many things I felt, so many things. The point of this entire blog is for me, and I now that I will not be able to forget, but I need to write it all now, so that I can remember it.
Elizabeth broke up with me. Exactly one year after I met her for the first time. Two days later was going to be out eleven month anniversary, and one month after that, our one year.
It hurt, as all things do of this kind. I saw all of this coming. It was inevitable. If she did not break up with me, I was going to break up with her. I decided that depending on the way things go that day(Tuesday) I will break up with her. If she was to ignore me again then it was quits. She did end up coming over and we watched TV. I thought that everything was going to be alright, but everything felt wrong. She was distant, really distant. She was awkward. The only nice part of the day was having root beer floats together(which I walked a total of two and a half miles to get ice cream and root beer).
We went to a crew meeting, which was something that I did not want to do. After it though, that was the end of it all.
On the drive home to drop me off I broke the silence of the car by telling her that she was distant. Things just got worse when drove into my apartment complex. We stopped and she told me that what was she was going to tell me was hard to say, but she did not have feelings for me anymore. I have never felt more hurt in my life. She said she had tried to see if there was still a spark left and I argued that there could be, but she was just to busy to see my anymore, she insisted that she tried though. I just felt so hurt by it all. She told me that she still liked me, but not in that way anymore.
I then cried in her car for 5 minutes while stupid country music was playing while she patted my back. I waned it off and I wanted a hug. She said she would give me a hug if I needed it, but I wanted one from her because it was her, but I did not want one from her because it was her. I then got my stuff out of the car, making sure that she did not see my face, and I threw my stuff near my apartment and I cried outside of my door on a chair for another 5 minutes. I wanted to say goodbye, but she drove away.
I felt alone, very alone. All I wanted was a hug. I wanted to know that I was still loved. The first thing I did when I got inside was go on the internet. Within ten minutes of changing my relationship status five different people were messaging and today I got a lot of hugs from people. I have never felt so loved, or pitied in my life. Not sure if it was one or the other or both.
When I look back on this entire thing I find it sad. I partially left my last girlfriend for Elizabeth because I did not feel anything for her. I feel like this is karma getting back at me for that. She told me that she had been contemplating the whole thing all weekend, which was why she was avoiding me and the week before. I felt sort like I was lied to then. I feel like if it was not because she was so busy all the time then things might have worked out, but she never made time for me, I was just never that important to her, maybe for the first few months when all we thought about was each other. I can still remember how things were at the beginning and to now, stupid life. I did realize something that scares me, people can stop loving people. What if this happens to me again in another relationship? What about me makes people like, then stop liking me? I feel scared about all of it.
I still have questions that I know can only be answered by her. I wonder what she did with the horse that I gave her for Valentine's Day that she did not like? How long did she not like me anymore? How does she take all of this? Does she feel bad about it or does she feel freed? My greatest question is why?
In the end, I cannot wait for her. She will not come back to me, this is all over, I need to move on now. Something better will come.
SIc Transit Gloria
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