Day 117: SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH FOOD

BAM

I have eaten so much food today. I have goreged my self on so much food it is ridiculous.

I had cheerios for breakfast. Then in WInd my friend Alma made me pity cookies for my break up earlier this week and she used extra chocolate chips and extra sugar and I ate almost the entire box. Then in French we had to turn in our food projects and my group we mad a Normandy apple and creme tart. Other kids in the class brought more food then I went on an epic quest to find plates and forks, in the end I found cups and knifes and four spoons. The pie we made called for apple liquor or apple brandy, but we could not find any so we just used  regular brandy. The whip cream we made with the tart also called for it. It was ridiculous how much it smelled like brandy. I had to eat cookies to mask the smell of brandy on my breath. Then I got home and ate more.

I truly am the greatest.

Day 116: Recovery

I had a long skype session two days ago, the night of my breakup. I skyped my friend Sophie in Australia, there are few people that can make remind me of how special I am, one of those people are her. On this road to not feeling bad when I look back it is good to have people there for you. For the past two days I have been getting a lot of healthy reminders of that I am loved, or pitied. I know they feel sorry for me, but that line does seem to be a little blurry. For now I am just going to take it as being loved. If does feel empty though not to get emails anymore. Not that many people text me now, nor people who email me either. There is that part that will be the hardest to get over. I know I am not alone, but it still feels lonely.

For the most part, I feel alright.

Day 115: Glass Castles

Relationships are like glass castles, building takes time and the final product looks magnificent, but the smallest rock thrown at it can cause the whole thing to shatter.


I have been contemplating about how to word everything that happened to me. There are so many things to say, so many things I felt, so many things. The point of this entire blog is for me, and I now that I will not be able to forget, but I need to write it all now, so that I can remember it.


Elizabeth broke up with me. Exactly one year after I met her for the first time. Two days later was going to be out eleven month anniversary, and one month after that, our one year. 


It hurt, as all things do of this kind. I saw all of this coming. It was inevitable. If she did not break up with me, I was going to break up with her. I decided that depending on the way things go that day(Tuesday) I will break up with her. If she was to ignore me again then it was quits. She did end up coming over and we watched TV. I thought that everything was going to be alright, but everything felt wrong. She was distant, really distant. She was awkward. The only nice part of the day was having root beer floats together(which I walked a total of two and a half miles to get ice cream and root beer). 


We went to a crew meeting, which was something that I did not want to do. After it though, that was the end of it all.


On the drive home to drop me off I broke the silence of the car by telling her that she was distant. Things just got worse when drove into my apartment complex. We stopped and she told me that what was she was going to tell me was hard to say, but she did not have feelings for me anymore. I have never felt more hurt in my life. She said she had tried to see if there was still a spark left and I argued that there could be, but she was just to busy to see my anymore, she insisted that she tried though. I just felt so hurt by it all. She told me that she still liked me, but not in that way anymore. 


I then cried in her car for 5 minutes while stupid country music was playing while she patted my back. I waned it off and I wanted a hug. She said she would give me a hug if I needed it, but I wanted one from her because it was her, but I did not want one from her because it was her. I then got my stuff out of the car, making sure that she did not see my face, and I threw my stuff near my apartment and I cried outside of my door on a chair for another 5 minutes. I wanted to say goodbye, but she drove away. 


I felt alone, very alone. All I wanted was a hug. I wanted to know that I was still loved. The first thing I did when I got inside was go on the internet. Within ten minutes of changing my relationship status five different people were messaging and today I got a lot of hugs from people. I have never felt so loved, or pitied in my life. Not sure if it was one or the other or both.


When I look back on this entire thing I find it sad. I partially left my last girlfriend for Elizabeth because I did not feel anything for her. I feel like this is karma getting back at me for that. She told me that she had been contemplating the whole thing all weekend, which was why she was avoiding me and the week before. I felt sort like I was lied to then. I feel like if it was not because she was so busy all the time then things might have worked out, but she never made time for me, I was just never that important to her, maybe for the first few months when all we thought about was each other. I can still remember how things were at the beginning and to now, stupid life. I did realize something that scares me, people can stop loving people. What if this happens to me again in another relationship? What about me makes people like, then stop liking me? I feel scared about all of it. 


I still have questions that I know can only be answered by her. I wonder what she did with the horse that I gave her for Valentine's Day that she did not like? How long did she not like me anymore? How does she take all of this? Does she feel bad about it or does she feel freed? My greatest question is why?


In the end, I cannot wait for her. She will not come back to me, this is all over, I need to move on now. Something better will come.


SIc Transit Gloria

Day 110-113: Valentine's Day and Mirrors

Day 110

I like Valentine's Day, I am one of the few people that do. Most people see it as a stupid "Halmark Holiday"(quoting someone now). It hurts that people have become so bitter to towards it that they forget what the day truly is about. I see why they are bitter, but you do not have to go out and spend a fortune on your lover. It is the only day of the year that everyone can set aside and be happy and civil, but the argument that I heard is that you can do this on any other day of the year, but the thing is, this is the day where EVERYONE can be happy and civil, where EVERYONE can attempt to be happy at the same time, where EVERYONE can set aside their anger and sadness for just one day. Then there are those who are all alone and complain that they have no one and call it "Single Awareness Day", this is where the other and the major part of the hatred towards this day comes from, but little do they know that in other countries lie those that speak Spanish the day is called "The day of love and friendship", it does not have to be all about being with your lover, you can spend it with your friends. All of this negative energy really hurts and kills my mood. It is really hard to be around so many bitter people that I got so fed up with everyone that I grabbed a heart shaped piece of chocolate and threw it at a wall then stomped on it and kicked and grabbed again and threw at the same wall that it was originally thrown at. Everyone ruins this day for everyone else.

The worst part about this day is that I had a scout meeting that night so that we could meet new kids, they told me ten kids would show up, only four did, I almost walked right out of the building. This ruined a day that was ruined to begin with. All of my plans were ruined, my mood was ruined, this holiday was ruined. Writing about this makes me angry and I wish I could write more, but then I would start to use names and I do not want to go there.

Day 113

When I saw this picture, I wouldn't tell who the really me was..

Th tall guy with the afro is Ean, the other guy is Shane.

So let me tell you the situation I have been in the past week. My mother went to Mexico last Saturday so I was left with my little brother to watch the house while she is gone. So for the past week we have been having to fend for ourselves, we have plenty of food though, but cooking and making sure the house does not fall apart is the main part of it. I feel like I have learned a lot this week. I realized that living alone is pretty hard. Yes, it does feel nice to know that you can finally do things for yourself and that you make the rules and yes, it does feel good to be alone, but that is the thing, being lonely and me go hand in hand, but it is my worst enemy. I get lonely often and you would think that I am used to it, but the loneliness that I felt was more than you think. Having my brother and my dog helps stave it off, but when my had to help his friend with homework twice this week so it just being my dog and I, makes it really hard.

I having been busy after school the past week with stuff I was too busy to take pictures.

Day 108-109: Uhhhhhh, I Can't Remember What I Did

Day 108

That guy in the middle, that is Dionysius, or Dio as we call him. He is the parkour master of Woodland High School. He has ventured into parts of the school that only we could dream.

Day 109

I ended up scraping myself on the pillar. 

Seriously though kids, I do not have the slightest clue what I did those two days. I feel bad when I do and it really brings up the urgency for me to write about what I did because if I am forgetting what I wrote now, imagine how I will be like when I am older looking back on this. The whole reason why I am doing this is for me, well future me that is.

Day 107

A little something to liven up the mood. When I walked out to the front of the school I saw the bus and people getting into it so I ran to catch it. I felt pretty lucky to catch it.

So there was not a lot of playing today in Music. No Jazz this morning and we just sat in Choir and talked about the concert. There was a playing in Wind.

Today has also not been a good day. All of this college stuff is so hard. Send auditions and making sure everything is alright. To a technicality I have not been accepted to a college. This has me freaking out. I feel so worried all of the time, and then my family and what they do to me and other things all at once. There is only so much that one person can take. You know you are going to have a bad day when you wake up and then people are yelling at you.

I seriously need a week to be isolated from everyone else.

Day 106: A Wonderful Concert

CASHEE testing started today. What a silly test for people to take. What is sad is when someone fails it and then their Senior Year rolls around and they freak out because they need to pass. I know two people that that has happened to. Very saddening.

Onto out main topic: my last Winter Concert. It was an amazing concert. Everything about it went to well. Choir did amazing and the way we sounded on Runaway was marvelous. The girls were finally able to perform Another Train, something that I have been wait for to happen for two years.

Wind Ensemble was amazing. Elite Syncopation by Scott Joplin went so well and the piece is so easy for me that  I actually had the entire song memorized. O Magnum Mysterium was played that best it has ever been played.

I CANNOT DESCRIBE HOW WELL JAZZ WENT. All four pieces were played at the peak. All the solos played tonight were so out of what most people played that they went outside of what they could do and they did it well. Of all of the songs that went well, Cut To The Chase was perfect. Almost everyone had a solo. I only wish I could have recorded the concert.

Whatever happened tonight on that stage transcended anything else that has occurred on that stage before.

There can only be a few things that can ruin such a wonderful evening. As you can probably tell as to what I am hinting at, it was ruined. First off, I was hoping Elizabeth would show up, but again she could not go and after her not going to the three concerts of mine, it almost seemed to not surprise me. There is a saying that goes "If you do not expect to much from others, then you will never be let down." As always though, I hoped she could come, even if it was just at the end. All of my hopes crushed.

The second thing and much more serious thing is my family. The only group of people that I know that can ruin my mood and everything I love within a matter of seconds. What a way to come home and find your family in turmoil. What a way to end a day.

Someday I wish something consecutively nice would happen to me instead of being constantly ruined. It is like the universe if giving me this ray of hope but then taking it away by putting clouds in the way.

Day 105: I Have A Concert Tomorrow

Potato bread, my favorite bread, next to rye of course. Funny thing about why I like rye, I like it because I never get to have it, I like the color and because of J.D. Salinger's Catcher In The Rye. I posted this picture because right after school I had to run to my mother's house to get a flash drive that has my audition and my English text book. Before I left I made myself a PB&J with potato bread.

So I have a concert tomorrow. I realize that a lot of the groups have been ready last minute this concert. We are now, but I was worried. I forgot to mention in my last post that last Friday Mr. A and these two other students went to Chico State for Norcal Honor Band. Apparently Mr. A left me in charge, but I was unaware of this because I was at Google that day. I never realized how fun it is to conduct a band is. I like it almost more than conducting Choir, but they were really restless that day. My friend Bronte reasoning for why only a few people pay attention to me is because 75% of the class are girls and the guys will pay attention to me.

I also forgot to mention that Mr. A came in right before I conducted an arrangement of Shenandoah that the class wanted to play for fun. I have never felt so nervous in my life. He just walked right in and moved to the back of the room near the brass and told  me to conduct. I wanted to curl up into a ball and die because I was afraid that he was going to harshly critique me. When i finished, he told me to cover my ears. I did not and he said a lot of nice things about me and the way the group sounded. I felt very proud.

So back on subject, today was a lot of rehearsal. I am going to have a long concert tomorrow. For me at least. It is almost overwhelming.

In English I had to go to the library to get a book called The Left Hand Of Darkness. 

Day 100-104: The Rollercoaster

Day 100

This is what I looked like on the 100th day of school of my Senior Year. It really depresses me to think about it. I have only fourteen weeks left. I have so much to do till then.

Today also sucked in case you were wondering.

Day 101

All of the love that my friends have for me being taken out in a picture.

Today also sucked. Not a surprise, right?


Day 102

That is me falling. We all fall. Sometimes we keep on falling and sometimes we hit the bottom, but on rare occasions we keep on falling.

Today was also bad.

Day 103

I went to Google. That really happened. That picture is real. There is actually a type because my school did not actually go, but the charter school, WPA, did and I was just a guest on the trip. So to a technicality, that picture should just be for me because I was the only one from my school there. 

Let me tell you that this place is perfect. Everything about it is amazing. The food is amazing, the job is great, and the people are awesome. I met one of the Vice Presidents, Udi Manber,and I had lunch with him. 

I feel like my life has been changing. I met two people in particular that I cannot remember the name of, but I felt like I have received so much insight about life and what I want to do and what I love to do. Those two people I will not forget, even though I have forgotten their names. Thanks to them, I have decided that I am going to get a minor in computer science.

The first person that I met is a lead searcher for Google. The way her thought process works and mine are the same. I felt like I cold actually talk to someone who does not feel confused when I speak. I related how music theory is relative to searching. It was like meeting an older, female, Jewish version of myself.

The second important person that I met was the guy who designed the Google Street View bike. It turns out that he was a Music Major at UC Berkeley till one night his Mechanical Engineering roommates were working on their senior projects that he stayed up all night trying his hand at it that the next day he changed his major, after three years of music at Berkeley. 

Mr. Manber was really cool too because I got to know his back story and how he was there at the conception of Google.

At the end of the trip before we got on the bus to go back home he asked if there were any questions and I asked this, "Can I have a job?" He said if "If you try hard enough."

Day 104

What is the most ridiculous face that I can make? Not this one. I can make even more ridiculous faces, but I felt like making one to liven up the spirits.

For the record, today sucked.