Day 136: Bitterness

There are those days where you just feel an overall sense of bitterness towards everything? Like a seething hatred towards one and all? That is my mood for the entire day. Ignore the picture, it is a liar. I am tired and I wanted to stay home from school, but me staying from school is a rare thing that has never happened, except that one time I had surgery, but that was almost seven years ago.

Today Simon and I had a DnD game via text all day. I almost died. Stupid acid streams.

Day 135: Books

"Darn the light of Spring," said I. "It be very." Today is the second day of Spring. A warm one at that. I was hoping for the rains to return, but it did not. I hope that with Spring comes the time of new beginning. I hope so.

Yesterday Mr.A gave me two shopping bags full of books. Mostly music books, but there are a few about other things like poetry. I feel special Mr.A could have given them to any other kid, like my friend Zoe, but he gave them to me. I told him that I will take them with me to college. He smiled and said "You're welcome."

I worry for people, but I tell people not worry about me, Does that make me a hypocrite, or selfless?

Day 134: Complicated

Life is complicated. I try to make it not, but I always make it worse. I just wish things would make sense for once. I wish I could say "Yes". I wish people would say "Yes". I wish things would work out. I feel like I am being used. All of these false feelings I keep on paying attention to and the real ones that I keep on rejecting. I swear to you, my reader, that someone is going to get hurt. Something bad is going to happen and I will regret it. I need an answer, I need answers. Then I can move on. Then things can start making sense. I need to know one thing right now, and that one things will make the cogs of my life turn once more.

Day 133: Acceptance

I was accepted to two colleges. UC Davis and University of Redlands. UCD is only a 15 minute drive from Woodland and it is my backup school. Redlands is my school of choice. They have what I want and I want it. I know what school I want to go to, but having my Mom be OK with it is the hard part.

I also got a stupid haircut. I hate my hair. My hair is stupid. Stupid, stupid hair. I am never happy with it.

Day 128-132: Gimme Shelter

Day 128

Day 131

And it began to rain, everyday, all day, for a week. People's emotions change with the change with the weather, right? A question that I have been asking myself. What an interesting week that this has been. Things just keep on happening. I cannot say that I did not want an interesting life. Sometimes I regret it.

I had to walk to school early one morning because I had to be at school early for Jazz. I came into the band room soaked and I was three minutes late. I had to climb a fence. I was not pleased with the way I was being treated by Mr. A.

I saw the Suessical on Friday. I also walked there, in the rain. It was fun and seeing my dear friend Alec be the Cat In The Hat makes me regret not auditioning, but then again, I am lazy and would have hated it, but would have had fun.

I always wondered why all of these things happen to me. I feel like I have all of this pressure being put on me. I feel like I am being torn apart like everything has a part of me and is just tearing me apart.

Day 127: Calm Before The Storm

The title says it all. Things were so much simpler that day. Everything would become much more complicated from here on out.

Day 126: Mediations and Stories

Sometimes it is a burden to be a Peer Mediator. The whole reason I became one when I was a Sophomore was to help people out. The only drawback is that I have to deal with people and their problems. I like to help them, but there are times that their lives get so involved in a mediation that it puts a burden on my soul. I want the best for them, but sometimes I wonder if there is someone who would do the same for me.

Someday I would like to sit down and tell stories. I can think up of a story for almost any situation that occurs. Sometimes I think "Maybe I should be a writer?", but that is not my calling. I like to tell stories. The stories I tell are factual and based on some of my experiences and occasionally I can make them up, but I just want to spend a day where I have people gathered around me and I have them talk to me and then I tell them a story. I think that would be a great idea. I would like to someday put my story weaving abilities to use.

I hope I do before I graduate. 

Day 125: Flying Solo

The reason as to why my pants are rolled up slightly is because I was making fun of my friend Colin, who likes to fap.

Today has been a very tiring day and people are beginning to bother me a little bit more. Today in Weight Training Ian, Jose and Ben were all gone so I had to work out by myself. It was not all that bad, but I was very lonely and I was picked on. When we do back squats in that class we can use a pad on the bar so that the bar does not hurt our necks too much and I have to use one because I do not have a meaty neck in the class like the other kids. So I had 40kg on the bar that we use and I was squatting that just fine and when I went to go get more weight another kid came up and took my pad and now I have a mark on my neck. Then people were staring at me and making little comments to themselves. Good to know that I am loved where ever I go.

After school I went to go feed my dog so I waited till later to catch the bus home and I got on the wrong bus and I had to walk home and my feet hurt.

There is also more awkwardness in my life.

Question: If you know that you are destined to fail, then why keep up hope to try when you know that it is futile?

Day 124: Tough Decisions

In relation to the post yesterday, this day is a follow up about that. I have had to make some painful decisions today and I have to make one more tomorrow. I feel horrible about it all. I wish things could be easier, but I must act now.

I enlisted the help of my English teacher Mr. VanEyken and his infinite knowledge for advice. I do this a lot, except I never tell him anything directly and I try to be as vague as possible. Today was a little hard to talk to him vaguely, but in the end he gave me advice. I seem to be getting a lot of that today from everyone I have talked to. Good to know that people will stick up for me.

Day 123: I Am A Man

So I am a man, in the eyes of the United States Government and society. I do not feel special,. I woke up well yesterday on the day of my birthday. Life is weird.

I would also like to do a shout out to my friend Louise who was there with me the entire weekend to see my childhood die and my adult life begin.

*This next part will be conducted in the third person because, after all, this is for me.*

Congratulations on surviving 18 years of living. Not to shabby if I say so myself, which is me. There is a reason to as why I am writing to you right now and you must read this very carefully because you may be a "man" now, but you are still a kid and an idiot.

You need to start making choices, right now. Life is very complicated. Before yesterday you could have blamed everything on the folly of youth, but right now you cannot. You have to watch yourself now. You are life, you are death, you are happiness and sadness, and hope and despair. You need to control yourself because life is a serious of choices. Every choice you make from now on will always come back to you and right now you have a lot of questions to answer and you need to answer them soon. I will help you seeing that I am you and you are I. I know life is going to be painful and really confusing(especially right now), but this is your first test in life. What ever choice you make I will support you.

"Ce qui sera, sera".

Day 118-122: My Last Week As A Child

Day 118

I ate an entire box of girl scoot cookies today. Yup, I am a hero.

Day 119

I do not exactly remember, but something was bothering me, oh yeah, everything does.

Day 120

My first ever Taco Wednesday at my friend Ian's house. Those tacos were glorious. Then they fed me red velvet cake. Life is sometimes great, sometimes.

Day 121

That is me just waking up from a nap in my English class. I have a tendency of doing that in that class. Having long hair helps when they cannot see your eyes and you are suppose to be grading.

Day 122

We getting papers. That slip of paper that Jose has is his drivers licence, and I am holding $11. We are going to have so much fun.


So it all came to me last night(Friday) that this was my last week of being a child. I totally forgot about it. There were so many other kids having birthdays this week that I forgot that mine is this Sunday. Everyone else is having fun and everyone is celebrating, but what about me? My birthday does not fall on a weekday so I get to wake up Sunday morning to nothing and I get to go to Church. I am just hoping that this weekend goes well. Then again I have not made plans for this weekend so here is to another weekend.

Cheers!